Tuesday 22-02-2022 - 10:51

By: Amber Minney

Lampeter Campus LGBT+ (Women's Space) Part-Time Officer 2021-2022

One of the main things I wish I had been told from the very beginning is this: your sexuality is your own; the main person here is YOU.

I get that this probably sounds like a really small and obvious thing, but I really think this is a sentiment that we don’t express enough. This statement alone encompasses so many important feelings that I hold very close to my sexual identity today. Your sexuality is your own, and no one else’s. This journey is about you and getting to know yourself. It can be difficult to separate ourselves from the mesh of relationships and influences that we encounter every day, but that’s why making yourself the focus is so important. Your identity isn’t for anyone else, ever - it’s for you and you alone to come to terms with, embrace and express however you like.

When I first started to question my sexuality, one of the very first thoughts that I encountered was how will this effect the people around me? How will my friends feel? How will my family feel? Will I still be accepted for who I am? Looking back, I think one of the biggest worries I faced was whether anyone would actually believe me when I said I thought I might not be straight. It didn’t even occur to me that, actually, my sexuality and my personal identity wasn’t about them, just me. At times I felt selfish for keeping these thoughts to myself, like I was lying to everyone and myself. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of worrying more about the reception and reactions you’ll get, that we forget to actually take the time to get to know ourselves and to understand how we feel.

There are a lot of factors that go into making yourself the focus of your journey, and that’s okay. You don’t have to have every single detail figured out in an evening; it simply isn’t going to happen. It can be frustrating and frightening walking a path as deeply personal as this, with no idea where it’s going to lead and no way of speeding it along, and that’s alright too. Now I get that simply sayin’ ‘that’s alright!’ probably isn’t all that helpful, but I really can’t overstate the importance of recognising that it’s okay to be frightened! It’s okay to take as long as you need to figure everything out, and you will probably change your mind along way. That’s okay too! Whether you decide to figure your identity and take that path alone, with friends, with family, with anyone or no one, you are still equally as valid, and worthy of acceptance. Everyone will have their own experience, and that’s alright. It doesn’t make anyone more valid than anyone else; we’re all human and we’re all just trying to figure things out.

The purpose of this blog is not to tell you exactly what you should be identifying as. I don’t believe there’s any website or resource that can make that discovery for you (however neat and helpful that may be!). In writing this blog, I want to focus instead on the things I think are important (and wish I’d been told) about self-acceptance and understanding.

 

Understanding yourself

There are many, many sites on the internet that offer information on the whole spectrum of sexual identity, gender identity and everything in-between. These might take a bit longer to go through than ‘what’s my sexuality quizzes’ (we’ve all been there) but doing your own research will do more for you than quizlet or buzzfeed ever could. Approaching a topic as broad as sexuality can be overwhelming, especially if you don’t know where to start. When in doubt, go with the basics. You don’t need to learn everything about queer theory in a single evening, a day or a week. What do you already know? What are you unsure of? If those questions are too broad still then go one further, what does each letter in LGBTQ+ stand for? What stands out to you the most? You don’t need to have a specific direction for research straight away, and it can be helpful to let your gut act as the guide. When I first started questioning my sexuality, I knew there was heterosexuality and there was homosexuality, but I didn’t know that there was more to being queer than gay men and lesbian women. As I started researching I began to come across more terms, like bisexual and pan-sexual. From there I followed the branches out and went with what I most connected with. Just bear in mind that this may be a long process, and that’s totally okay. 

It's also important to recognise that one person’s sexuality might be more rigid, and another’s more fluid. For this reason sexuality is best shown on a spectrum. Nothing on earth is identical to anything else; some things are incredibly similar, but there is always a little difference that makes them unique. Sexuality is no exception. Your label (if you choose to have one) can be as big or as small as you want it to be, and it doesn’t have to be permanent. You can add to, take away from or switch it up as many times as you feel you need to. And it works the opposite way too – you might realise one day that actually you’re not queer and feel most comfortable identifying as a heterosexual. That is absolutely fine too. Your sexuality is your own, and changing your mind as you get to know yourself better is always okay.

There are some other factors to consider if you feel like you’re still not finding the words that fit you properly. I won’t go into detail on these points, but I feel that it's still extremely important to mention them, and I wish I’d been told about them sooner. If you still feel like something is missing or your identity isn’t quite fitting right, then perhaps it’s time to look into exploring your romantic orientation, the way that you experience sexual attraction, or your gender identity. I personally always felt that just identifying as simply bi-sexual didn’t quite fit right, until someone explained to me that sexuality was a lot more than that. The more I looked into it, I realised that there were a whole bunch of terms I’d never even heard of! When I began to view sexuality as a spectrum, that meant you could have more than one label, I realised my identity could have more than one part. After researching the asexuality spectrum, I came across the term graysexual. Suddenly it wasn’t just a case of cramming myself into one single definition and doubting the parts that didn’t fit, but I was understanding that sexuality (and gender) is multi-faceted. There’s a whole wealth of information out there on gender identity, sexual orientation, attraction and everything in between – if you feel like you’re still missing something, have a scroll through websites like these to kickstart a new branch of research.

Healthline – 46 LGBTQ+ terms

The Asexuality spectrum

Exploring Gender identity

Asexuality, Attraction and Romantic orientation

 

Expressing yourself

One of the most important things to remember is that you never, ever need to prove your sexuality to anyone. Ever. The only person with the right to decide what your identity should be is you. Whether you find labels comforting or decide you don’t want to pick a label at all, your identity is yours and it’s valid. With that in mind, remember that the way you decide to label your identity can be as big or as small as you like. I know I find comfort in not labelling my sexuality, but I also know people who like to have all the relevant titles that make them, them. We all express ourselves differently and that isn’t a bad thing.

When it comes to coming out, there are a few key things I really wish I had been told. Number one is that if/when/who you come out should always be decided by you. Unfortunately, sometimes people do get outed before they feel ready for people to know. I know I’ve been outed numerous times, and they were uncomfortable experiences. One of the most important things to remember in these situations is that it’s alright to be upset, and that communication is key. It can be difficult to bring the topic up and to let people know that their actions were wrong. If I had to go back and tell myself 3 things to remember when I was outed, it would be this:

1. You haven’t done anything wrong. Coming out can be a very big deal for anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, and you’re allowed to decide who knows. Just because you might choose not to tell people, doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Your safety and comfort is one of the most important factors here.
2. Remember it’s your decision and you have the right to assert that control. Sadly sometimes people take the decision of who needs to know into their own hands. If anyone tells you that you should be telling family members, friends or anyone else, remember that you can always say no. Deciding who should or shouldn’t know is no one’s decision but yours.
3. Communication is your friend, but education shouldn’t fall entirely on your shoulders. Sometimes people make mistakes, and might accidently out you before you’re ready. The majority of the time, after explaining that this is something that’s very personal and private, people will realise that they may need to approach the situation with more care. If they don’t respond quite so well however, remember that it’s not your job educate them. If they’re not listening, you can always walk away.

Don’t let this scare you away from coming out completely, because it can be a wonderful experience as well, and most of the time it is. Remember it can be as big or as small a celebration as you like, and you can come out more than once. Identity can change all the time, and as you get more comfortable with yourself it’s alright to come out as few or as many times as you like.

Advice on coming out for Adults, Stonewall

How to react to your child coming out as Gay

(for anyone reading this who’s on the opposite side of the situation)

 

Looking out for yourself

No matter what your identity, whether or not you choose to label it, you always have the right to look out for yourself and your mental well-being. Sometimes this might mean stepping away from people who react negatively or invalidate your feelings. Remember to be kind to yourself in these situations. Nothing you’ve done is responsible for a negative reaction, and you should never have to feel like you need to prove anything.

Sometimes the main critic that we experience on this journey is ourselves. Internalised homophobia, self-doubt, confusion and fear are all barriers that many of us will face along the way. The most important thing is to try to be understanding and patient with yourself. These feelings won’t go away an evening, but doing your research, being honest with your self and trying to understand where these feelings come from will help you to un-learn the negative and accept yourself for who you are.

What is internalised Homophobia? The Rainbow project

LGBTQ+ experiences and Mental health, Mind

Advice to Trans youth

If you take anything away from this blog, I think the most beneficial points to keep with you are these:

• This is your journey, and the most important person is you. Your choices about your own identity are the most important.
• No matter how long it takes to figure out your identity, whether you change and change again, or whether you don’t even want a label – you are valid.

Your identity is a part of you, and understanding yourself can be a big and daunting experience. Remember that you’re not alone, you will always be valid, and you have all the time in the world to figure things out at your own pace. I hope some of the links included help you start to branch out your research or add to what you’ve already learnt. Be kind to yourself, and no matter how difficult or confused you feel at any point along the way, be patient and know that un-like stormtroopers, eventually you will find what you’re looking for.