Tuesday 15-03-2022 - 09:00

Step Forward Together is an awareness campaign by Carmarthen Campus President Becky Bush to break the stigma of mental health conditions. An overview of the campaign can be found here.  

 

OCD  

By: Lauren Thomas 

Carmarthen Campus Student Parent/Carers’ Part Time Officer 

Carmarthen Campus Champion  

Course Rep  

Hi – I’m Lauren, a mum of 2, a third year student, course rep, student voice rep, part-time officer for student parents and carers, student ambassador and campus champion! I have begun by listing my roles at the University because as you will soon see, it does have a strong connection with my OCD. You will also notice that I refer to it as “my OCD” and this is because it affects people differently. It is personal and individual.  

I have always had OCD tendencies. I don’t like odd numbers, I need things to be in size order, if a rug is slightly off centre, I need to move it or I get frustrated. I won’t list them all, but you get the idea! In January 2014, my daughter was 2, I began to get incredibly anxious at the thought of taking her anywhere. I feared that something bad would happen to her. Then, it escalated into me fearing for her in the house. What if someone breaks in and hurts her? What if she falls and hits her head on the corner of the table? The thoughts and the “what if’s” became very difficult to manage. So, I began to try to deal with them in my own way. My worst compulsion was tapping my forehead with my middle finger. If I thought of something bad, which was nearly all of the time, I would sit there and tap my head because I believed it would stop the bad things happening. I would also clean religiously. Not because of a fear of germs, but because it was the only thing I felt I had control over. 

I was getting about 2 hours sleep a night because I was constantly unlocking and relocking the doors, checking the windows, making sure plugs were turned off, and checking on my daughter obsessively. The very little sleep I had would be in her bed because I felt safer with her. It’s only when I found myself bleaching my kitchen ceiling because I had nothing else to clean that I realised I needed to get help. I had cancelled plans with friends for weeks and they had mentioned it a few times to which I just gave an excuse. By this point it was April. 

I called my doctors surgery and made an appointment. They saw me very quickly and put in an urgent referral to the mental health team. Things moved very quickly, and I was seen by a mental health professional within the week. After answering a long list of questions, they diagnosed me with OCD and anxiety. A few days later I had my first appointment for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and this is where everything started to make sense. My therapist was amazing, and she listened to my thoughts and feelings, while helping me make sense of them. As my OCD centered around my daughter, she explained that we have no control over things that happen to us or other people a lot of the time. So, my fear for my daughter was then being projected into things I could control. I very often tapped my head in those sessions, and she would ask me “how does that help? Will tapping your head stop bad things happening?” and when I really thought about it – I knew the answer was no.  

She taught me how to distract myself from the bad thoughts, and slowly but surely, I could see and feel myself improving. I no longer needed to clean so obsessively, I kept plans with friends, and I actually stopped tapping my head. This was so incredible for me! What an amazing feeling to let go of all the fear and stress that I had been feeling for so long.  

In March 2015, just before my daughter’s 4th birthday, she fell ill. She was rushed to Noah’s Ark children’s hospital in Cardiff for emergency surgery to save her life. All of a sudden, I was faced with exactly what I had feared not so long ago. I was tapping my head more than ever before, I didn’t eat for over a week while she recovered in hospital, and when we got to take her home the obsessive cleaning started again, because I didn’t want to risk her catching anything. 8 weeks later, she fell ill again, and we were rushed back to Cardiff for more surgery. However, this time I decided that I would not allow my OCD to affect me like it did before. I needed to be strong for her. I managed it so much better this time around. Tapping my head turned into rubbing, because to any other person it just looked like I had an itch. But I only allowed myself to rub my head twice. I was gaining my control back.  

Thankfully, she made a speedy recovery! 7 years later, and only when something triggers me will I have what I call an “episode” but that’s just my name for my own situation, not other people's. I still rub my head, only twice at a time, and I still need things in size order and hate odd numbers! But these are manageable and are what makes me, me! If I have a bad day I will either organise something (usually the kitchen cupboards) or I will clean everything with bleach. But those days are rare now. To see how far I have come makes me feel incredibly proud. Those who love me accept me for who I am, OCD and all. It has been difficult to live with at times, but I am living with it!  

The best way for me to manage my OCD is to be busy! Hence the many University roles! I applied to go back to university at 30 which was a massive step for me, and I wasn’t sure if I would manage. It is the best decision I have ever made! I absolutely love my course, my roles and my job. It is challenging juggling everything at times, and I am always tired! But I am happy and content and so thankful for everything that UWTSD has given me.  

The most difficult thing for me now is being faced with people who do not understand OCD. There is a very stereotypical view on OCD, and it really is much more complex than people realise. If I have an episode, support is what is needed. Not people acting like it’s a nuisance or an inconvenience for them. I can tell you now – it is much more of an inconvenience to me than anyone else! This is why it is important for people to be educated on mental health to fully understand it. Maybe then, people will no longer feel the need to suffer in silence like I did at the start of my journey.  

Thank you for reading!  

Lauren x