Tuesday 26-04-2022 - 10:16

If I’m being honest, I didn’t even know Lesbian Day of Visibility was a thing until last year – I am, regrettably, still an avid tumblr user, and I learned about it on there – which is exactly why it’s so necessary! And I’ve been out as a lesbian for almost exactly 5 years, I can’t remember the exact date, but it wasn’t long after my 15^th birthday. I remember coming out for the first time, over iMessage to my then-best-friend, who I think responded with something like “yeah, obviously”. It was the best response I could have gotten, because she knew and she liked me anyway. And I should have known that it wouldn’t be a surprise because it was really obvious when I was growing up. Maybe it was just my energy as The Weird Kid, or it was the not-so-secret-actually-really-obvious crush I was harbouring on one of my friends. And I always sort-of knew too, which is why it hurt so much every time I got figured out.

Accepting that I like girls was the easier (not easY) part, because, like I said, I’ve always sort-of known. Accepting that I don’t like boys was harder because I’ve always been fully aware of it. Growing up I never tried to hide my lack of interest in men to other people, but I always secretly tried to have crushes. Strategically choosing a guy on TV or a guy in my class was, apparently, not how crushes work? Understanding that I’d never feel that way about men, that I’d never have a chance to do the marriage and children thing (not in the traditional sense, anyway) was so difficult because I wanted to be like everyone else in one area of my life, at least. And even when I finally accepted not liking boys, it was so hard actually using the word ‘lesbian’, for a while I was pansexual-except-for-men. The first time I heard the word ‘lesbian’ (aside from when it was being hurled at me as an insult, of course) was in class when someone asked his friend if he watched lesbian porn, because he did and it was so much better than Regular Porn, and aren’t lesbians just so hot? But from what I’ve heard from others this is a pretty standard experience, nice!

The first time I saw lesbian representation was when I was 3 or 4. Mew Mew Power was my favourite show and Corina was always talking about how cool and pretty and wonderful she thought Renée was. It was the first time I got to see someone who felt like I did about a girl, and I idolised her. It’s so important for children to see something like that; it was the first time I got to feel recognised, the first time I found out that I’m not the only girl to ever feel like that about another girl. Granted, it wasn’t explicitly gay, but there was this one scene where the some of the other girls were talking about their crushes, and there were these little thought bubbles above their heads with whoever they were talking about, and Corina had Renée in hers – life changing.
The next time I saw positive lesbian representation was in Sailor Moon, everyone had a crush on Haruka Tenou! Even after they realised she was a woman! And seeing a masculine lesbian being represented in a positive way was huge, but seeing her girlfriend meant so much more to me (and ngl i was crushing on them both). Michiru was so elegant and Sailor Moon herself would always compare her to a princess (!) and it showed me that there was a way for me to let myself be feminine and still be a lesbian.

My whole life I knew I wasn’t like other girls (cringe), so I didn’t want to let myself wear makeup or nail varnish or dresses because pretending to be the same as everyone else felt so fake (and also I was scared boys might get crushes on me – very bold of me because not only was I the freakiest little weirdo but I was the ugliest kid imaginable. But I was not taking any chances). It took me seeing Michiru Kaioh when I was 11 to feel comfortable slowly starting to let myself be fem, but it took me realising I was a lesbian to ditch the jeans and baggy t-shirts in favour of cute skirts and chokers (but I did keep the docs and my leather jacket). I got really into the butch/femme lesbian subculture, identifying as a femme was the final step on my journey to actually feeling comfortable in myself. Not all lesbians fall into these categories, of course, but being able to use the femme label helps me feel so secure! And my appreciation for other femmes (and butches, ofc) helped me appreciate myself more, too.

That’s why lesbian representation is so important; because we need to know it’s okay to love girls and not feel sexualised for it. Maybe if I had more representation growing up then I wouldn’t have felt so guilty around girls, and I would have let myself dress how I wanted, and I would have known that it’s okay, that my identity is more than a porn category, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so fake when my mam put me in dresses or painted my nails. Maybe I, and other lesbians, would have realised sooner that lesbian is a good word and that we don’t have to be so afraid of it.

Writing this post took ages, because being a lesbian sucks sometimes, there’s so much lesbiphoba from straight people and from others in the LGBTQ+ community, and in the lesbian community we have some terrible people (*cough* TERFs). But I really do love being a lesbian (finally!), and it’s one of the things I’m proudest of now, and focusing on the nice parts of my experience really helped with that<3

if you're wondering whether or not u might be a lesbian, here's the lesbian masterdoc ! ~(✿◡‿◡)

& here's a lesbian hub created by stonewall which highlights lesbians of colour and lets other lesbians tell u why ldov (or maybe even a whole lwov?) is so important !!ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ